Letting Go.

I stare at autumn’s glory with regret. I do not wonder at the changing colors and masterpiece of flying hues. I cringe. I would rather the leaves stay as they were, alive and green: unchanging. I would rather those leaves stay fixed to the branches, full and abundant. I do not like to let go. And autumn speaks this visible reminder loudest, that there is a season for letting go. 

I so often stand like Eve in the garden with only leaves left to cover my shame. Yet I can’t deceive God for a second. And under the man-made shame is my nakedness, as this season reveals:  all will fall away.

And so this autumn that whispers an uncovering of my own shame is gray and ugly. I think too many thoughts as I stay in longer, quiet down, too prepare for the cold. My own leaves start to loosen.  I’ve been holding on to lies. The lie that I can change things that only He can change. Let it go. I’ve been holding on to the lie that everyone would be better off if I lived with my heart under lock and key. Let it go. I’ve been holding on to the lie that I’m okay. He’s going to have to help me let that go. I’ve been holding on to the lie that there is shame in being me. 

And self-deceptive lies only cover for so long, until they too waste away. And when they are gone, I can run, and I can hide from Truth and from the world, as so many have done before me, but I can’t hide from His presence.

²³ “Am I a God at hand, declares the Lord, and not a God far away? ²⁴ Can a man hide himself in secret places so that I cannot see him? declares the Lord. Do I not fill heaven and earth? declares the Lord. Jeremiah 23

And once I have, once I can let go of self-deception, let go of things in the past, let go of hurts that I've clung to in self-protection, all my pathetic attempts at self-salvation, I have nothing left to hide behind.

It’s only when I give up and exchange my attempts to cover my own pain and shame, and I accept Truth—that I can see He already has a covering for my pain. When I Let Go. Then, I am finally free to come into God’s presence, free to stop hiding, free to let Him dress me in garments far better than fig leaves…

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord,
My soul shall be joyful in my God;
For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation,
He has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments,
And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Isaiah 61: 10

I am reminded of His love, so great, that He let go of His only son for me. A season of letting go...

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory